BREAKING NEWS:

Whitehouse press spokeswoman Joan Braithwaite has delivered the
following statement to media regarding accusation involving
impropriety between President Clinton and Miss Lewinsky:

The President absolutely did not engage in any sexual conduct
with Miss Lewinsky and will vigorously defend himself against
such claims.

However the President would like to state that it is possible
that a perfectly innocent incident has been twisted by right wing
Republicans in order to undermine his administration.

Mr. Clinton has said that there was an occasion when it was
necessary for him to adjust his clothing he noticed with some
embarrassment that his fly was undone. The President said that he
unfortunately had some difficulty with his clothing as his zipper
got stuck. Because Mr. Clinton has slight arthritis in his hands
he found he could not get the zipper up.

He therefore, for medical reasons, was forced to enlist the
assistance of one of his staffers, who was Miss Lewinsky.

In the course of assisting Mr. Clinton, Miss Lewinsky had to
kneel in front of him to facilitate the operation of the zipper.
For medical reasons Mr. Clinton has been advised to wear no
undergarments and it so happened, that in their anxiety to end
the embarrassment and rectify the fly problem, that Mr. Clinton's
penis may have fallen out of his trousers.

As Miss Lewinsky was grappling with his fly and felt sure that
she nearly had it, and did not want Mr. Clinton to be seen with
his penis hanging out, she took the presidential penis into her
mouth so that it would not be visible should anyone enter the
room. Mr. Clinton was unable to use his own hands for this
purpose as he was assisting Miss Lewinsky by holding her hair out
of her face so she could properly visualize his fly.

It took some minutes for Miss Lewinsky to fix Mr. Clinton's fly,
and it was during this time that another staff member entered the
room and apparently completely misconstrued the situation.

Mr. Clinton would like to reiterate that there was nothing
unusual about his working relationship with Miss Lewinsky. He did
say however that as he had trouble with his fly on a number of
occasions, necessitating Miss Lewinsky's repeated assistance, he
was considering changing his tailor.