These are great!

A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS

Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I forgot to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she didn't give a shit.

They keep telling women to get in touch with their bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the 9:00 class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen, bitch, do it and you die."

The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

Gay, straight...they all want blow jobs.

They say typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, drinking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their shit.