Sign on gate at the pig farm: "No Porking in Driveway."
Sign in the optical lab: "Please do not look into laser with remaining eye."

A couple of more collectives: a mockery of acquittals. An exasperation of Jewish Mothers.

Statistics are used as a drunk uses lampposts--for support, not for illumination.

Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid; there are so many places they can hide."

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

Says one psychiatrist to his colleague: "You are fine; how am I?"

What do you call a chicken crossing the road? ... Poultry in motion.

Aibohphobia (def'n): An irrational fear of palindromes.

What do you call an unemployed jester? ... Nobody's fool.

Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. If you can't join 'em, lick 'em.

Why politicians don't enjoy the game of golf ... Because for them, it's too much like their work -- you know, being trapped in one bad lie after another.

Feminist's lament: "I think, therefore I am single."

Dog for sale: eats anything, and is especially fond of children.

Inpatient customer, sarcastically: "Waiter, do you serve crabs?" "Sit down, sir - we serve anyone."

Sign on the door of the maternity ward at the hospital: "Push ... Push ... Push!"

Sign in a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: "Reserved for plant manager."

Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: "Please do not disturb further."

Sign in a veterinary's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Elbonics: Two people manoeuvring for one armrest in a movie theatre.

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.

If a tree falls in a forest, and hits a mime, does anybody say anything about it?

Cocaine is God's way of telling you that you have more money than brains.

Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning.

Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.

What do you say to a Buddhist hot dog vendor? ... Make me one with everything.

What kind of rocks are on the bottom of the Mississippi River? ... WET rocks.