HERE ARE SOME LANGUAGE WARPS

"I dislike your insinuendoes!"
"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."
"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."
"Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."
"Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it."
"We'll burn that bridge when we come to it."
"To be demeanored like that is an exercise in fertility."
"When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."
"I'd hate to confuse myself with the facts."
"Family planning has many misconceptions."

Many of us would be delighted to pay as we go ... if we could only catch up from paying as we've already gone.

Personals Ad: "Financially Unstable Man - I owe everyone money.

If you're not one of my creditors, I'd like to meet you. Send phone, mine was repossessed. Stanley, Box 99."

Personals Ad: "Physician, 35 - Desires to meet that special woman with real inner beauty. Send X-rays to: Dr. Mellonchop, BOX 67."

Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria."
(Then, in pencil beneath the sign): "Socks can eat anyplace they want."

Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone: 99 Cents."
(Then, in fine print underneath: "With meat: $14.95").

A hardware store has a sign that reads: "Today's special. (Then, below it, in pencil): "So's tomorrow."

Sign in an Austrian hotel catering to mountain climbers: "Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."

Chinese proverb: "if thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum."

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

From the bulletin of the Church of the Incarnation in Sarasota, Florida: "The Magic of Lassie, a film for the whole family, will be shown Sunday at 5 p.m. in the church hall. Free puppies given to all children not accompanied by parents."

A college president warned the alumni chairman against requesting too much money at one time by saying, "Don't put all your begs in one ask it."

A herring that for many years swam along with a friendly whale appeared one day without its companion. Asked where the whale was, the herring replied: "How would I know? Am I my blubber's kipper?"

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

What do you call a cow with no legs? ... Ground Beef!

Did you hear about the new baby camel that didn't have a hump? ... His parents named him Humphrey.