Reasons you won't win the local annual Halloween costume contest...

After your roommate insisted on being the front legs, you began
to suspect that a burrito dinner wasn't such a good idea.

Your "Ally McBeal" barfed in the judge's trick or treat bag.

The Nike swoosh -- while obscene to some -- is just not all that
scary emblazoned on a white sheet.

"Hey! Blue dress with a stain and a cigar! Why didn't I think of
that??"

Somehow your Snoop Dog costume just didn't go over that big at
the Quayle house.

Your kindergarten students failed to see the humor in your "Road
Kill Barney" costume.

Unlike thousands of other Monica look-alikes, the semen on your
dress is not *really* the President's semen.

Although your "Internal Bus Architecture of the Intel Celeron
Chip" costume was a big hit with the other engineers at the office, things are different out
in the real world.

You can't get the zipper on your Bill Clinton costume to stay
down.

In order to enter, you'd first have to log off the Internet --
and pornography doesn't just read itself, now does it?

Looks like "Viagra Man" will be spending Halloween in jail for
indecent exposure.

Something in her eyes tells you there was an inherent flaw in
your plan of dressing up as the hostess's dead husband in order to get laid.

The Bride of Frankenstein had big, pointy hair and a small, round
ass, not the other way around.

Your "Naked Linda Tripp" costume is actually more nauseating than
scary.

Your "Yanni" costume got you beat up on the way to the party -
four times.

Your Dirk Diggler costume is merely embarrassing now that your
"Diggler" is stuck in the car door.

Your beret falls off every time you kneel.

Yellow Homer Simpson makeup? Check. Can of Homer Simpson "Duff
Beer"? Check. Homer Simpson pants? DOH!!!!

No one can tell whether you came as Abe Vigoda or Marge Schott.

This year's guest judge, Elizabeth Dole, has apparently never
even *heard* of Marilyn Manson.

Much to your surprise, three other people came dressed as Nikola
Tesla, father of alternating current.

The judges wrongly interpreted your "Liposuction By-product"
costume as a "Bowl of Tapioca Pudding" costume.

The only song you knew to go with the costume was "Mammy," and
the judges at the NAACP party were not impressed.

*Nobody* likes a farting clown.