I hate this time of year. Not for its crass
commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's
the season when the food police come out with their
wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through
the holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can't
pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday
eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings,
high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they
say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.

Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of
Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't
mine, either. A carrot was something you left for
Rudolph.

I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I
assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and
happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's?
Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone
who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows
nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see
carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where
they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.
Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact,
it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't
find it any other time of year but now. So drink up!
Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip?
It's not as if you're going to turn into an
eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it.
Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think.
It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the
whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone.
Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano.
Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made
with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass.
Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an
automatic transmission. [yep-whole milk & real
butter]

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an
effort to control your eating. The whole point of
going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's
food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between
now and New Year's. You can do that in January when
you have nothing else to do. This is the time for
long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet
table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that
vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a
buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the
shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them
and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a
beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind.
You're not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have
a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have
two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When
else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor
Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's
loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but
avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards,
mate.

10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible
when you leave the party or get up from the table, you
haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start
over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around
the corner.