Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet. -Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as
the only time of the month that I can be myself. -Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. -Billy
Crystal

If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm
cheap!" -Delta Burke

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I
don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I
do not want it. -Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder
Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying
enough attention to women's breasts? -Jay Leno

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and
vehicle maintenance. -Tim Allen

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front
lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think
we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and
say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in
those uniforms." -Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who
will choose your rest home. -Phyllis Diller

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men
are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they
cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? -Jay Leno

The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one
cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently,
they're going from semi-automatics to Uzis. -Conan O'Brien

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny
into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him
shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. -Tim Allen

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -George
Carlin

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his
house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor

The problem with the designated driver program, is that it's not
a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have
fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong
house. -Jeff Foxworthy