Some people are only alive because
it is illegal to shoot them

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I need someone real bad...
Are you real bad?

All men are idiots...
and I married their king.

The more you complain,
the longer God makes you live.

Hard work has a future payoff.
Laziness pays off now.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

As long as there are tests,
there will be prayer in public schools.

I said "NO" to drugs,
but they didn't listen.

Your kid may be an Honor Student,
but YOU'RE still an idiot.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Don't drink and drive...
You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Always remember you're unique...
Just like everyone else.

HONK
If You Want To See My Finger

I don't have a license to kill.
I have a learner's permit.

Keep honking while I reload.

EARTH FIRST!
We'll stripmine the other planets later.

If you drink, don't park.
Accidents cause people.

If you can read this
I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Save the whales!
Trade them for valuable prizes.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her
...or something like that.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive.

If we are what we eat,
I'm cheap, fast, and easy.