1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and
a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its
glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL
NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad
hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it
too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take
command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

13. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an
actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

14. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other
people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is
age eleven.

15. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average
drivers.

16. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

17. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

18. Your friends love you anyway.