Dear Sir,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years and having seven children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally useless. After getting married, I was told to use the "Rhythm Method" but, despite trying the Tango and the Samba my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha Cha Cha, apart from which, where do you get a band at five o'clock in the morning?

A doctor suggested we use the "Safe Period". At the time we were living with the in laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period when the house was empty needless to say this didn't work. A lady of several years' experience informed us that if we made love whilst breast feeding we would be alright. It's hardly Newcastle Brown Ale, b ut I did finish up with a clear skin, silky hair and the wife pregnant. Another old wives' tale was that if my wife jumped up and down after intercourse it would prevent pregnancy. After the constant breast feeding from my earlier attempt, if my wife jumped up and down she would finish up with two black eyes and eventually knock herself unconscious.

I asked the chemist about the sheath. The chemist demonstrated how easy it was to use, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over thethumb, as the chemist showed me, can prevent babies.
She was then supplied with the coil and, after several unsuccessful attempts to fit it, we realised we had got a left hand thread and my wife is definitely a right hand screw. The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this, as it did not interfere with our sex life at all but, alas, it gave my wife severe headaches.We were given the largest size available but it was still too tight across her forehead.
Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then I realised we were doing it wrong. My wife them started putting it between her knees thus preventing me getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while, until the night she forgot the pill.

Doctor, you must appreciate my problem. If this operation is unsuccessful I will have to revert to oral sex, although just talking about it can never be a substitute for the real thing.

Yours faithfully,

Mr 'X'