ADAM & EVE

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't
find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were
earlier. Adam said, "This morning Eve and I made love for the first time."
God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve
now?"
Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."
"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."

THE EPIC OF THE BAKED BEAN

Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
beans. He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them. But they always
caused him a great deal of embarrassment shortly after eating them. The
reaction of his body to the beans was swift and terrible to behold.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they
would marry, he realized she might be even more embarrassed and humiliated
by his addiction to baked beans. He decided to make the supreme sacrifice
and give up his beloved baked beans. A short time later they were married.

Some months later, on his way home from work, his car broke down. He was
not too far from home so he decided to leave the car and walk the rest of
the way. He passed a small roadside cafe and decided to call his wife and
tell her that he would be late for supper. As he entered the cafe, the
smell of baked beans overwhelmed him. He still had several miles to go, and
decided that he could walk off any after-effects before reaching home.
Before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans. Even as
he left the cafe the effects began to be felt. He pooted up a hill, and
poot-pooted down the other side. As he grew closer to home, the
frequency and forcefulness diminished greatly, and he felt reasonably safe.

Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling inside and
was seized with a terrible urgency. He waited just outside his front door
to release one last effort, his wife threw open the door. She excitedly
exclaimed, "Darling, I have made the most wonderful surprise dinner for
you." She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the
table. Just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She
made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the
phone.

When she had gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg
and loudly broke wind. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg.
He had a hard time breathing, so he took his napkin and began to fan the
air about him. He just started feeling better when he felt another urge.
He again raised one leg and let her rip. It sounded like a tuba and
smelled so bad that he started
gagging. He fanned until his arms ached. Things had just about returned to
normal when he felt another powerful urge. He shifted his weight to the
other leg and let go. This was the prize-winner. The windows rattled, the
dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were
dead.

While keeping one ear on the conversation in the hallway, he continued like
this for the next 15 or 20 minutes, fanning away each time with his napkin.
When the sounds of farewells indicated the end of the telephone
conversation, he neatly laid his napkin in his lap and folded his hands on
top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his
wife returned to the room.

Apologizing for talking so long, she asked if he had peeked. After
assuring her that he had not, she removed the blindfold, revealing the
dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!
BIRDIE NUM NUM

A Guy with a long pony tail was lying naked on the beach, sun tanning
himself. An innocent girl walks past him and is intrigued by this naked
mans body, specially his penis. She asks him what it is. The man replies
that it is his "birdie". She asks if she can play with his birdie to which
the man replies" of course, go right ahead, my birdie is very friendly"
The girl commences fondling the mans birdie. Later, the man wakes up and
is in completely new surroundings and in great pain. The innocent girl
explains that she had to call an ambulance to have him removed to the ICU.
The man asks what happened.
The innocent girl goes on the defensive and says" Your birdie started it
all. I was only playing with it when it spat at me, so I wrung it's neck,
broke its eggs and burnt its nest!!!!!!

BOOZE

A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. He drinks all three and
leaves. He comes in the next day and does the same thing. This goes on for
a few weeks, when the bartender asks him what's up with the three shots?
The man says that he and his brothers made a pact that whenever one of them
goes into a bar, they'll have a drink for each of them. The bartender
says, "Wow, that's neat."

One day the man walks in to the bar and only orders two shots. The
bartender pours them, and asks, "Why only two today? Did one of your
brothers pass away?" "No," replied the man, "I quit drinking."
BORN FREE

An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with
orange, green, and blue spiked hair. After a few moments, the young man
said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild?"

The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot, and
I was wondering if you might be my son . . . "

TIME WAITS FOR NO MAN

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody asked
her how that could be possible.

"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died
before we could consummate the marriage."

"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding
day."

"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on
the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."
Remember to VOTE for this week's one liners.

?My Boss had a "stroke of genius" and it killed him.

?My Boss recently fired a gay employee. He called it "canning the fruit".

?My Boss is a famous inventor. He created "the fluke".

?Whenever "it's" going to hit the fan, my Boss makes sure I'm right down
front.

?I work in the company kitchen. My Boss said "If you ever drop food on the
floor, just put it in the microwave for a few seconds to kill the germs.
Then go ahead and put it on plates for the customers."

?My Boss was complaining about how much time I used to take my wife to the
doctor for her leukemia treatments. He said "You're making too much of
this. We are all going to die sometime. Make sure your career doesn't die
first."

?We recently moved into a new building that didn't have enough space for
our cubicles. I was told my cubicle wouldn't be ready until after the Fire
Marshall had inspected the building. Then we could erect my cubicle in
front of the fire exit.

?My Boss has written a series of management books. The titles are:
Career Paths that Stifle the Optimistic Employee
Writing Recommendation Letters that Stink
How To Torture An Employee Before The Lay-Off
Kicking Techniques For Employees You've Beaten Unconscious

?My Boss said "Managing a department is not hard. Give the impossible
projects to employees you hate. If it doesn't work you can fire them,
that's always a joy. If it does work, you're a motivational genius and you
get a hefty bonus. Could life get better?"

?My Boss has been mentoring young talent for years. "Lucifer" was his first
management trainee.

?By the time my Boss needed to "circle the wagons", he didn't have enough
allies to form a circle.

?After confronting my Boss about the tension between us, he said "The
problem is that there's a problem."

?My Boss was very creative, but she lost her plug and now everything
escapes through that gaping hole in her head.

?My "Purchase Request" was ridiculed because it didn't follow the
guidelines my Boss was planning to publish tomorrow.

?When Bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
about themselves

?On our way to lunch my Boss offered to drive. I said "Is that wise?" She
said "Of course it is. My license is still good, it just expired."

?After reviewing the research preliminary results, my Boss said "I know the
data doesn't say what we want, yet. That's why its called raw data."

?I needed two days off but I had no vacation time left. When I offered to
work extras hours to offset this time my Boss said "Absolutely not. You are
salaried and expected to work extra hours. How would I distinguish between
the extra hours you are expected to work and the extra hours you want to
work?"

?I told my Boss I dreamed about running the company one day. He said
"That's a manager's dream. Why did you have it?"

?I asked my Boss for advice. He gave me a lethal dose of cynicism, mistrust
and deception.

?My Boss recently met with a group of MBA's and was appalled at how proud
they were for attending B-schools. She later said "I wouldn't act so cocky
if my school was rated B".

?My Boss thinks "shareware" is a chic reference to "hand-me-down" clothes.

?My Boss to MIS technician: "Remember, I'm just a novice at computers. I
want to take it slow. When you pick my programs, make sure you get
software. I don't think I'm ready for hardware, yet."

?My Boss at early morning coffee: "I don't understand what the problem is
at AOL. Can't they get call waiting".

?My Boss decided he'd rather be called "King" than President of the
company. As a result, he's now "The Royal Hiney".

?My Boss has had a stellar career in computers. She mastered the "Mega
Bite" as a management trainee.

?My Boss refuses to use a computer. She frequently quips "I don't do
windows".

?Along with the Internet service providers, my company just announced a
"flat rate plan" for its employees. Regardless of how much time you spend
at work, you'll get the same flat rate. Guaranteed!

?My Boss calls our one Black employee "Otis" even though that ISN'T his
name.

?Note from my Boss. In the future please proofread your work. I've noticed
it's full of errorrs."

?My Boss to other team member: "Look, I put you on my team to share your
ideas, not the recognition."

?My Boss, useless for years, is one of the few remaining signs of corporate
welfare.

?Doctor to my Boss: "Sorry, but "withdrawal" does not qualify as a disease
that can be legally treated with marijuana."

?Prayer may not be appropriate at school, but at my job all we do is pray,
pray, pray the sales come marching in.

?My Boss has an extremely good memory. That's because no space is allocated
for thought.

?My Boss recently laid off a large group of MTV-age employees. Since then
he's been known as the "The MC of Misery".

?We recently re-organized at work and added another group to our MIS
department. Now accounting is MIS-managed too!

?I never had a husband because I was married to my work. Now, after 25
years some stranger tells me to expect "an involuntary separation without
support payments."

?The Management Committee was scheduled to meet next month to vote on a new
benefits package. Before the meeting I cornered my Boss about his lack of
interest in the opinions of his employees. He said "This benefits decision
is a lot like a political election, if you can't vote you don't count. You
can't vote."

?In a very somber meeting of the department heads, my Boss turns to me and
says "Isn't this layoff program really GREAT."

?I used the reply function on my e-mail program to respond to a message
from my Boss. Shortly after she got it, she called me. She said "You must
come over right now and show me how to re-cycle e-mail messages."

?My Boss says she's too busy for training on her new computer. To save time
she took the tutorial CD with her so she could listen to it in the car.

?Facial hair is not the norm in my office, but I wanted a mustache. Shortly
after it started to grow my Boss asked me to cut it off. I said I would cut
off mine if she agreed to cut off hers.

?My Boss knows every fact in the world, except that he is an insufferable
jerk.

?I called my Boss to set-up a meeting to discuss my career. He said "You
don't have a career. You have a job, just do it."

?Our Executive Committee recently voted unanimously to abolish the Ethics
Committee.

?My Boss is the manager for a book superstore. Recently, at a large
employee gathering, he bragged about all the books he had read. One of his
favorites was Gulliver's Travels by Oliver Twist.

?My Boss said "I know we all worked on this together and we voted on the
most appropriate outcome. However, I feel I have a greater sense of
ownership for this program and therefore I made the final decision for the
group."

?Boss to employee: I see you are familiar with the "My Boss" web site and
you are drinking from a "My Boss" coffee cup. Are you trying to make some
special statement today?
Employee: No, I use this coffee cup EVERY day.

?After watching my Boss at work, I'm certain somewhere in this world, there
is a village missing its idiot.

?At my job you are assigned a Boss and a mentor. Since I didn't have a
mentor yet, I asked my Boss if he would by mine. He said "It could hurt my
chances for advancement if people thought I was your mentor."

?At the end of a long quality speech, my Boss said "We must pay great
attention to every detail. Let's take a break and meet again tomorrow at 9
o'clock in the afternoon.

?My Boss thinks "megahertz" is an extremely large car rental place at the
airport.

?It was Saturday and my Boss was in the office. He called me at home to
complain about the foot pedal on his computer. For some reason it wasn't
working properly. I told him to move the foot pedal to his desk and put it
on the pad next to the keyboard and roll it around. He said "Oh, this foot
pedal is really versatile, isn't it?"

?My Boss said "I don't want to ram-rod this decision down your throat, but
open wide, please."

?My Boss doesn't answer the phone when it rings. He says "Important people
are busy and I'm important."

?My Boss is very fat and very critical. Recently she said "You will never
become Mr. Olympia unless you set that as your goal. I turned to her and
said "Any exercise at all can be an admirable goal."

?Quote from my Boss "Why is a win-win strategy important? Doesn't that mean
I get less?"

?My first child just started infant day care and I am a single parent. It
is very important that I get to the day care on time, otherwise they levy
very heavy late fees. After only 1 month of this new routine, my Boss of
ten years put an "employee notice" in my file reprimanding me for being a
"clock watcher".

?Boss to employee "Look, if one plus one was always two, you wouldn't need
managers like me."

?After an hour of very frustrating technical discussions, which my Boss
obviously didn't understand, we took a break. As he stood up, my Boss said
"It would be a lot easier for me if you guys wouldn't talk "geek-onics".

?Have you seen Fox TV's latest hit series. It's Beavis and My Boss.

?Comments in an exit interview: "You know, I'm sorry that you quit. I
really wanted to fire you".

?Comment from my Boss during my performance evaluation: "Once in my career
I didn't get along with my Boss either. BUT when he told me how it was
affecting my performance, I immediately did a 360 degree turnaround. I
expect the same from you."

?My Boss has mentored my career into his Vice Presidency.

?I thought my Boss was reading a computer manual until I got closer and I
could read the fine print. The book title read: "A User's Guide, Management
Principles for Success.

?My Boss refuses to put a computer in her office -- until they're available
in pastel colors.

?Why did the chicken cross the road? Because his Boss did!!

?Inspiring words from the Boss: "I encourage you to take chances in your
research and development work, BUT don't risk my Bonus on some pipe dream."

?Yesterday, my Boss asked "What role did Mr. U. R. El play in the early
development of the Internet. I can't find any reference to him in the
literature."

?When I called in sick, my Boss said "Well, if you already threw up, you
must be feeling better. What time should I expect you?"

?Instructions from the Boss: "We have four, 15 inch computer monitors in
storage. I want you to get the biggest one and put it in my office."

?Comments during a business review meeting: "Look, we have a monopoly in
that territory. Customer service isn't that important. Let them complain."

?The design team was frustrated with their lack of progress and lack of
direction from upper management. In response my Boss said "It's not
important if you know what you're doing as long as you know you did
something."

?I was the manager of an extremely understaffed print shop. Everyone was
going nuts trying to get the work done. Finally, my corporate Boss called
and said he would be coming in for a week. I said "Great, what will you be
doing? Bindery? Delivery? Running the press?" His reply was "No, I'm not
coming to do any of those things. I'm coming to figure out why the work is
not getting done."

?In a meeting of the technical department, I told my Boss that one of our
users was not on the network. Immediately he said "But I sent her an e-mail
message. Oh, I guess she won't get it then, huh?"

?We work in a major industrial plant and my Boss wanted a first aid kit.
When he got the bill for $25 he said "I sure hope the union appreciates
what lengths we go to for our employees."

?My Boss asked "If I get extra memory in my computer, does that mean I
wouldn't have to save documents anymore?"

?Boss to new employee: "Haven't you worked for me before?"
Employee: "No. That knife in my back belongs to my last Boss."

?My Boss was sure he was going to get laid off, so he went and "told off"
his Boss. He got fired instead. (No severance package.)

?Comments during performance review: "You have done many things to annoy me
this year, but I'm not going to tell you about the things I can't
remember."

?My Boss suffers from a career ending illness. He is light-headed.

?Performance feedback from my Boss: "You are not getting the top rating
because you have problems dealing with people who are known to be hard to
work with."

?My Boss' comment during a heated discussion: "You're entitled to your
opinion, BUT you're not free to express it here."

?My Boss insists that I use the title "Projects Manager" as opposed to the
grammatically correct title "Project Manager." My Boss thinks potential
clients may think we only have one project.

?Instructions from my Boss: "I want your comments both orally and
verbally."

?When my first merit raise was approved, my Boss shouted to me from across
the room, in front of three co-workers. He said the $1500/year increase was
all he could finagle from his Boss.

?Comment shouted across the room by the office manager. "When we hired you,
there were lots of more qualified shipping clerks, but we didn't hire them
because they were women".

?My Boss left me a voice mail message suggesting I read her e-mail message.
The e-mail message was an instruction to come up to her office. When I
arrived at her office, she gave me the time and place for a future meeting.
Why didn't she just say that in her messages?

?My faithful dog of 15 years died last year and I took her to the vet to be
cremated. After the cremation I went to work. When my Boss saw me he said
"Couldn't you have buried that thing in the backyard?!"

?Once I went to my Boss and told him I had a serious problem. He said, "You
don't have a problem, you have an OPPORTUNITY!" I thought about it a second
and then said, "You're right. If you don't solve my problem, I will have
the OPPORTUNITY to slap you upside the head."

?My Boss took an IQ test and the results were negative.

?My Boss, the senior VP of Sales, called me into his office one day and
asked me to locate his "turkey neck". "What" I said. He replied, "You know
that thing that connects your computer to the network". Oh, the "TOKEN
RING" I said. "Turkey neck, token ring -- just find it."

?My Boss thinks "RAM disk" is an installation procedure.

?A group of employees at my office were clustered around the coffee bar
eating cake. My Boss told everyone who walked up, "This cake is better than
sex." After the third or fourth time this happened in less than a minute
one of the more senior employees said: "Would that be sex with you ?"

?My Boss asked me to write a letter for him. I presented a draft copy for
his review, every sentence of which he marked-up with red ink. After
watching this, I asked, "What did you think of the fonts?".

?My Boss's Ph.D. dissertation was being funded by the company. Because he
is essentially incompetent, he asked me to perform the calculations that
were the core of his thesis. When I refused he got another subordinate to
do the calculations - BUT he convinced the company to stop funding my
Ph.D..

?The company announced that on December 18 they would issue the "perfect
attendance" checks for 1996. However, if anyone who received a check missed
any of the days between the 18th and the end of the year, this would make
them ineligible for the reward and they would have to return the money to
the company. (The big question in all this -- why not wait until January
1997 to make the "perfect attendance" awards for 1996.)

Two rules from the "Top Ten Rules of Project Management":

?If a subordinate asks you a pertinent and difficult question, look at him
as if he has lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question
back at him. (Smirk intently.)

?Listen intently while others are arguing the problem. Pounce on a trite
statement and bury them with it.

?Recently my Boss said," I know Rome wasn't built in a day, but I wasn't
the Foreman on that job"

?Always remember the unofficial work motto: The reward for a job well done
is ... no punishment.

?The other day I asked my new Boss for the day off, he said "Sure, you
don't look too important."

?In a recent mentoring meeting my Boss said "Lying is a fundamental
business tool like Marketing or Finance. Learn to lie and it will serve you
well".

?What do you do with a co-worker who is rude, lazy and incompetent? Answer:
Treat them with respect. Soon they will be the Boss.

?My Boss hung this sign in each stall in the employee bathroom: While you
are doing something for yourself on my time, think of something you can do
for me on your time.

?My Boss lost his temper the other day. Now he has no emotion.

?As a group we complained to our Boss about the long hours and tedious
work. He said "If work was fun, it would be free.

?Boss to employee: "Even though our dress has gone casual, you must still
refer to me as Mister".

?My Boss recently ordered a computer with a fax/modem. After it arrived, he
called me into his office to find the paper slot for faxing.

?Our company recently set up two computer help lines. One for basic
questions and the other for advanced questions. My Boss, who is completely
computer illiterate, said "How does one know if their question is basic or
advanced?" The MIS director said "If you can't program your VCR, call the
basic help line".

?My Boss forced me to put Netscape on his modem-less laptop, so that he
could surf the 'Net during his layovers at the airport.

?My Boss requires applicants to take drug, AIDS and VD tests to qualify for
his secretarial positions. I wonder why?

?When I was managing a very large clothing store, my Boss restructured the
commission plan so the employees would earn 3% less. She told me I needed
to SELL the idea to the staff.

?To improve morale my Boss suggested a weekend team building retreat for
the department. Frankly, the thought of spending my weekend with the Boss
and doing touchy, feely exercises, added depression to what was merely a
case of job dissatisfaction.

?If my Boss was a super hero, he'd be Polyester Man.

?My Boss recently fired the advertising agency my company has used for the
last 10 years. A new account executive asked her when she was "due". She's
not pregnant.

?Comment from CEO: "Advancement in this company is based entirely on merit.
Its been that way since my grandfather bought the company."

?My Boss thinks raising his voice improves the strength of his argument.

?On his first trip overseas, my Boss assumed "Business Class" applied to
him because he was "a member of management".

?My Boss thinks an "extended" keyboard is for someone with "big" hands.

?I know you didn't write the business plan, but I need a co-author in case
management rejects it.

?In response to recent complaints of favoritism, my Boss says "Fairness is
applied in a fashion that I deem fair."

?Excerpt from Boss' speech at awards dinner "Bonuses in my department are
rewarded to team players who have demonstrated an appreciation for my
leadership."

?Comment from the Boss after a few pointed questions: "Your skepticism
reflects a distrust for my management skills."

?"As my last parting comment in this interview, you should never dress
better than you boss. It shows you're not observant."

?My Boss called me into his office to complain because he couldn't connect
his Sony (audio) CD player to his computer and run his CD software. I said
"Oh, only the Panasonic CD will do that."

?My Boss does the work of three men: Larry, Moe, and Curly.

?A co-worker died in a gruesome car accident at 11:00 AM. At 1 PM my Boss
was taking things from the dead man's office to improve the appearance of
his own.

?After finishing a computerized report for one of our managers, our
programming group received this response: "That's what I asked for, but
it's not what I want."

?The plant manager came up to me one day and asked "How much do you think
the plant weighs??" I said "With or without the plant manager?"

?It was very apparent that I had not fully recovered from my bout with the
flu when my Boss came by my desk. He said "Oh, still got the flu. I was
only sick for two days, I guess I'm stronger than you" !!!