The Voodoo Dick

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business
trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to
get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he
didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a
store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a
life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was
browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his
wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained
his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything
that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and
so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks,
except....... and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing,
nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually
mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this
voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled
out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there
lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big
fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man
replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door
and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box,
darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door
shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before
the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your
box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there
quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man
resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in
cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo
and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He
left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She
thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she
remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my
pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was
great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms,
she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck
in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she
decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her
clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering
with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her
swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for
her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and
twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo
dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer
looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right... Voodoo dick, my
ass!"

The Scottish Farmer

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. Old
Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how
well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands.
Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder?
Nooo.." Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya
see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin'
back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do
they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..." Then the old man points
out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that
stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat
off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me
McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo... Then the old man looks around
nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya fuck
one goat . . . "

SUPERMAN

Superman wakes up one day and realizes that he has done everything he
could done in metropolis and he was totally bored. He flies away in search
of something to do. Pretty soon he comes across Batman swinging across a
few skyscrapers. Superman yells down, "Hey Batman, got anything I can help
you with?" Batman shouts back up, "No, Superman. I've got everything under
control." Superman continues onward. Eventually he flies over the ocean
and looks down at Aquaman. Superman yells, "Hey Aquaman, gimme something
to do!" Aquaman looks up and yells back, "sorry Superman, there's nothing
for you to do here." Superman by this point is totally exasperated. He
starts to fly back to Metropolis when he all of a sudden sees Wonder Woman
lying nude on the beach. "Yes!" thinks Superman. "If I zoom down and do
her really quick like only I can do, she'll never know what hit her!"
Superman swoops out of the sky, does his thing in about 5 seconds flat,
and flies away before he gets caught. Wonder Woman opens her eyes with a
shock and says in surprise, "what was that all about?" Then the Invisible
Man rolls off of her and says, "I don't know, but my arse is killing me."

Cojones

An American tourist went into a restaurant in Mexico for dinner, and asked
to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked
what kind of meat it contained. "Sir, these are the cojones," the waiter
replied. "The what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist. "They are testicles
of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter. The tourist
gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the
following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal,
the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's cojones are much smaller
than the ones I had yesterday." "True, sir," said the waiter, "you see the
bull, he does not always lose..."

The Horse and the Chicken

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud
hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to
help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer
can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and
ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope
to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from
sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the
meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to
the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I
think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the
hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken
did and pulled himself to safety. THE MORAL: If you're hung like a horse,
you don't need a BMW to pick up
chicks.