TRAVELLER'S TALES

IN THE LOBBY OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ACROSS FROM A RUSSIAN ORTHODOX MONASTERY:

"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet

  composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."

IN A HOTEL IN ATHENS:

 "Visitors are expected to complain at the officebetween the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily."

IN A JAPANESE HOTEL:

"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

IN A BANGKOK DRY CLEANER'S:

Drop your trousers here for best results.

IN A NORWEGIAN COCKTAIL LOUNGE:

Ladies are requested not to have childrenin the bar.

AT A BUDAPEST ZOO:

Please do not feed the animals. If you have anysuitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

IN THE OFFICE OF A ROMAN DOCTOR:

Specialist in women and other diseases.

IN A CZECHOSLOVAKIAN TOURIST AGENCY:

Take one of our horse-driven citytours. We guarantee no miscarriages.

ADVERTISEMENT FOR DONKEY RIDES IN THAILAND:

Would you like to ride onyour own ass?

IN A LEIPZIG ELEVATOR: "Do not enter the lift backwards, and only whenlit up."

IN A BELGRADE HOTEL ELEVATOR: "To move the cabin, push button for wishingfloor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press anumber of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically bynational order."

IN A PARIS HOTEL ELEVATOR: "Please leave your values at the front desk."

IN A YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."

ON THE MENU OF A POLISH HOTEL: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

IN A HONGKONG SUPERMARKET: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

OUTSIDE A PARIS DRESS SHOP: Dresses for street walking.

IN A RHODES TAILOR SHOP: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush, we will execute customers in strict rotation.

FROM THE "SOVIET WEEKLY": There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

IN AN EAST AFRICAN NEWSPAPER: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

IN A VIENNA HOTEL: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

A SIGN POSTED IN GERMANY'S BLACK FOREST: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless the are married with each other for this purpose.

OUTSIDE A HONGKONG DRESS SHOP: Ladies have fits upstairs.

IN A BUCHAREST HOTEL LOBBY: "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."

IN A ZURICH HOTEL: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby by used for this purpose.

IN AN ADVERTISEMENT BY A HONGKONG DENTIST: Teeth extracted by the latest

Methodists.

IN A ROME LAUNDRY: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

ON THE FAUCET IN A FINNISH WASHROOM: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

IN THE WINDOW OF A SWEDISH FURRIER: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

ON THE BOX OF A CLOCKWORK TOY MADE IN HONGKONG: Guaranteed to workthroughout its useful life.

DETOUR SIGN IN KYUSHI, JAPAN: Stop. Drive sideways.

IN A SWISS MOUNTAIN INN: Special Today - no ice cream.

IN A BANGKOK TEMPLE: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner dressed as a man.

IN A TOKYO BAR: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

IN A COPENHAGEN AIRLINE TICKET OFFICE: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

ON THE DOOR OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ROOM: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

IN AN ACAPULCO HOTEL: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

IN A TOKYO SHOP: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

FROM A JAPANESE INFORMATION BOOKLET ABOUT USING A HOTEL AIR CONDITIONER:

Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself.

TWO SIGNS FROM A MAJORCAN SHOP ENTRANCE: - - - - English well talking - - - Here speeching American.