Marriage is a three ring circus:
---engagement ring
---wedding ring
---suffering
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Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After
marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
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When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got
two girlfriends.
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A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives.
In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
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A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever
he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man
thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million
dollars and beat me half to death."
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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll
be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the
microwave.
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How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost
to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son,
I'm still paying for it."
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A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
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Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
forget it once.
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Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading
between the lines.
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Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing
your parachute.
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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be
sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
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A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over,
made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a
wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and
drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled
"It really works!"
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Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he
came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he
said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there. When my business fell, you were
there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house,
you were there. When my health started failing, you were still by my
side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!"
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Husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong
finger? Wife: Because I married the wrong man!
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Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the
woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both
speak and the neighbors listen.
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This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this
other guy say to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass
the honey, Sugar." He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea.
So, the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast, he
says to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."
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A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife, "Pack
your bags, I've won the lottery!" The wife excitedly asks,
"Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?" He says,
"Pack'em all, you're leaving!"
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Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before
you finish ...
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When a man is single, he's incomplete.
When he's married, he's finished.