The following are all quotes from an 11 year old's science exams:

1) When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.

2) H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

3) To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test
tube.

4) When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

5) Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free
state.

6) Water is composed of 2 gins, Oxygin & Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure
gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

7) Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.

8) Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

9) Respiration is composed of 2 acts, first inspiration, and then
expectoration.

10) The moon is a planet just like earth, only it is even deader.

11) Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
instead
of the bull.

12) Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and
makes them perspire.

13) A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can
hold.

14) Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas.

15) The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the
abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of
which there are five - a, e, i, o, & u.

16) The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

17) The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

18) The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out
and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is
something to hitch meat to.

19) A permanent set of teeth consists of 8 canines, 8 cuspids, 2
molars,
& 8 cuspidors.

20) The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends
towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

21) A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct
it is.

22) Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill
effects
on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.

23) Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

24) Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

25) Liter: A nest of young puppies.

26) Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

27) Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

28) Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.

29) Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

30) Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

31) Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
affirmative
or negative.

32) To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

33) For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the
heart stops.

34) For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down
to make artifical perspiration.

35) For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm
above
the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest
medical doctor.

36) For dog bite: Put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not
recovered, then kill it.

37) For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient
is dead.

38) To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.

39) For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in
your throat.

40) To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.